The Jewish day of atonement, Yom Kippur, is celebrated by fasting for an entire day. Worse things exist in the world. The holiday of Ramadan doesn’t allow you to drink or eat (or make sex) during daylight for an entire month. But fasting as part of any religion can’t be safe for your body. You need energy to function, and food provides that energy.
Last Friday, 5 hours before D-Day, or the 6:45 sunset that would commence my 24 hours of fasting, I was walking the Washington School Without Walls across from the Deli. Or maybe it’s School Beyond Walls. Maybe the name is an eloquent metaphor, but it doesn’t make any sense to me. Everywhere I looked I would see kids eating: a sandwich, a salad, a Lunchable. On that note: when you were younger and brought your own lunch to school/summer day camp/anything else how excited would you be when your Mom packed a Lunchable? I don’t care how unhealthy they are or that they’ll cause every organ in your body to explode, they represent everything that is pure and good about childhood. But seeing everyone eating made me recognize how close I was to my day of reckoning. It’s not that fasting is overly difficult, it’s that when you don’t eat you get angry.
6:45pm: Turkey sandwich/mac & cheese dinner finished. And so it begins…
7:49: The food baby inside me has now reached its second trimester. If I could get an ultrasound of this thing it would look like the monster from Cloverfield.
9:32: I watch an episode of How to Make it in America, a.k.a the poor man’s Entourage, while my food baby pummels through my body. They blatantly stole “The Jeffrey Scene” from Get Him to the Greek, minus, you know, the humor.
9:54: The food baby has been released! Praise the Lord! Now the real fun begins…
1:47am: I hop into bed because I have to get up early to go to services. Of the six people reading this article, four of them will think “Oh my gawd Sam you’re such a nerd for going to sleep so early.” Maybe I’m alone here but waking up at 7am in a gutter in Adams Morgan and having to go to temple is not how I want to start Yom Kippur.
9:22am: Hunger hit me last night. I had a nightmare I was at Au Bon Pain and I bought a sandwich and soup and it cost me $35 but I didn’t have enough money on my GWorld.
11:12: I think I had my first hunger-induced blackout. Now I’m in a synagogue. Somehow I managed to put on a suit AND it matches. The hunger has subdued for now. But she will return…
1:14pm: The rabbi gave a sermon. I couldn’t tell you what it was about. The woman in front of me had her hair rolled up like a Cinnabon.
2:22: Driving back from services it hits me. I’m getting hit relentlessly. And the anger is starting to kick in…
3:01: I’m watching an episode of 24.
“Jack we have a mole?!”
“Yes there is a mole in CTU! Check everyone’s call logs and cross check them with when the terrorists used their cell phones.”
“Jack you’re out of line and you’ve violated protocol. I’m taking you into custody”
“DAMN IT (insert name of CTU superior) WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR PROTOCOL! WE HAVE TO FIND THE MOLE AND DISARM THE BOMB! I’M THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THIS *BLEEPING* ROOM AND NOBODY IS LISTENING TO ME!”
I have successfully described 5 of the 8 seasons of 24. Also if you’re CTU and you have a mole, find the most attractive female that works for you. There is a 89% chance they are the mole.
5:19: So close to the end….I see an ad for Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. If I were a 16-year old girl who had just been dumped I would gladly stop fasting, cuddle up with a pint of Chunky Monkey and watch The Notebook to soothe my anger. Speaking of The Notebook/Ryan Gosling: has anyone seen The Ides of March yet? I ask because 91% of GW students either publicly or secretly want to be President and that movie will surely dash their hopes. I should probably cool it with the pop culture/movie references.
6:31: Back at the synagogue to hear the shofar being blown, ending Yom Kippur. Wait is that Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan walking into the synagogue?! But what if this is a hallucination….
7:22: The shofar has been sounded! YOM KIPPUR IS OVER! Children are dancing and singing. I see an old woman break down in tears. Elena Kagan pulls out a Twinkie from her purse and *engulfs* it. One bite. What a champ.
7:25: The bag of potato chips in the car is mine. Game. Set. Match.