Farewell, 2011! It has been a pleasure knowing you. How could we forget all you gave us? ‘Twas you that delivered campus sexual abuse scandals, a bountiful number of terrorist killings, Arab Spring, the 99%, Jay-Z and Kanye’s self-reflective joint venture, and the death of Steve Jobs. And then we have GW. What happened over the past year at our beloved university? I’ll be honest: not a whole lot. Writing a year-in-review article for 2011 without using the names Tim Tebow or Ryan Gosling is incredibly difficult. When people ask you what happens at GW, you can tell them the following list. Or you can lie and say:
February 1: Howard Dean-Newt Gingrich Throw Down
Nothing riles up a GW student more than two middle-aged white guys discussing their philosophical political differences. I should have expected that I wasn’t walking into a heated argument because the event was labeled as a “conversation.” But I and many others noticed two things. First, Howard Dean is and has always been in 2004 campaign mode. He’s a good speaker, and he knows how to work a crowd. Also, as smart as people say Newt Gingrich is, he’s kind of a dick. As a former college professor, he can talk to you in a tone that lets you know 1) he’s smarter than you’ll ever be and 2) you should shut your mouth because you don’t know what you’re talking about. Other than that, he’s a nice guy. Apparently he’s still running for president, and I’m probably as surprised about that as he is.
April 13: President Obama Came to GW
“All this security for Obama’s speech is really making my day inconvenient.”- someone you know
Don’t lie; you loved that President Obama came to campus, even if you don’t like him or his policies. So you tried desperately to get tickets to the speech. What was the speech going to be about? You didn’t know. You didn’t care. All you knew was that you had to see the president, which would lead to you meeting him, which would lead to you offering to babysit Malia and Sasha. Oh, and the speech was about deficit reduction and how to prevent our generation from being drowned in trillions of dollars of debt accumulated by Democratic and Republican presidents, who have grown government and entitlement programs at an unsustainable rate, which will ultimately lead to their inevitable collapse given Washington’s inability to forge compromise or reach any agreement on substantive policy (gasping for air). But good luck trying to meet the president.
May 1-2: The Death of Osama bin Laden
In the hours following President Obama’s announcement that the world’s most influential terrorist had been killed we all learned one thing: GW’s location in Washington, D.C. allows a massive celebration incredibly easy to form in front of the White House within an hour. Everybody was there: GW students, Geraldo Rivera, Courtney Cox’s ex-husband/the sheriff from the Scream movies, and Geraldo Rivera’s mustache. By the time students from American University arrived, all that remained was the hippy anti-war conspiracy theorist, who lives in a tent across from the White House. It was also a painful reminder that American University is located on the Red Line, which was the consensus 2011 Scariest Metro Line winner (20 years in a row!!).
Fellow students gracing the front pages of the New York Times, Washington Post, and Time following the celebration was not uncommon to see. A kind Asian man interviewed me. The language barrier was difficult to overcome, but I’m confident my excitement got through to him. And then some students were so desperate for publicity that they stayed up into the early hours of the morning searching news websites to see if someone took their picture (“Home page of the Miami Herald!?! SCORE!!”).
October 15: Bill Maher Comes to GW to Read Shel Silverstein Poems
Two distinct crowds were at the Bill Maher event during Colonials Weekend: those who knew Maher’s unique comedic style and those who didn’t. Let’s start with the first group. Anyone who has seen just 60 seconds of Maher’s HBO show knows what kind of a comedian he is. He’s brash, divisive, and wildly popular among his supporters. Those who find him too inappropriate can watch a more appropriate HBO show, like Boardwalk Empire or Taxi Cab Confessions 7. But when you see Bill Maher on TV, you know what to expect. Then those who haven’t heard of Bill Maher but “thought that Jimmy Fallon guy who performed last year was so gosh darn nice and polite” and assumed Maher would follow in his predecessor’s footsteps attended. Incorrect. Those people did not enjoy themselves. I saw the eyes of little grandmothers bleeding and heard them wailing uncontrollably at the atrocities they heard. I will never forget those images.
In Maher’s defense, he’s not going to change the kind of comedian he is. He’s made a lot of money off a certain style, and it would be unfair to his fans for him to change that. True, those who had never seen Maher’s show before didn’t know he would bash religion and political figures so strongly. But he did. What are you going to do about it? Vent to your friends, and then watch some premium HBO cable. Fortunately the executives at HBO have thought ahead and air Taxi Cab Confessions 7 at the same time as Real Time with Bill Maher.
We’re already into 2012, which means each day we’re getting closer to the impending apocalypse. Sadly, we don’t know what the signs of the apocalypse will be. So in my spare time I came up with 6 signs of our demise ranked from “Meh, this means nothing” to “Bunker down; the end is here!”
1) American University abandons its pledge to stay a dry campus
2) The GW Colonials football team plays in a BCS bowl game
4) Newt Gingrich is elected President of the United States.
5) Manouch relocates to the Vern to avoid Metro PD fines and tickets
6) The Denver Broncos start the 2012 season with an 0-9 record and the Chosen One Tim Tebow denounces Jesus Christ as his lord and savior
