Humor Runner Up: “Allied in Pride Decries Hatchet as Not Gay Enough”

WASHINGTON – Allied in Pride released a statement this morning calling for the The GW Hatchet to denounce heterosexuality and to begin an aggressive campaign to systematically purge those staff members suspected of being straight.

The forcefully-worded letter listed a number of grievances that Allied in Pride had with the Hatchet, including “fostering an environment contrary to the gay values espoused by the community” and “allowing the straight agenda to negatively influence media on campus.”

Hatchet editor-and-chief Lauren French addressed the allegation by commenting, “The Hatchet has gone out of its way to ensure we are bias-free; and that includes not being tainted by the straight agenda. We are a family-friendly paper with deep ties in the community. Why would we spoil that by allowing our paper to be controlled by these heterosexuals?”

Allied in Pride spokesman Blake Bergen conceded that French had cooperated in the past, but added, “It’s not good enough to say, ‘We have little straight influence.’ I want to her to convincingly look the public in the eye and say, ‘We are a 100 percent straight-free media outlet and we will take every step possible to keep it that way.’”

The initial statement that called for the “immediate search for, discovery and purge of, all straight staff” did not name specific staff members of the Hatchet, but did claim it had sufficient cause to believe at least 6 members of the 75-plus staff were heterosexual.

Outside commentators said that this recent lashing out likely is the result of a wounded organization seeking to reassert its influence. “Allied in Pride was unable to reelect any Senator in the Student Association from the gay caucus,” said former SA Senator, Chase Hardin. “When an organization like Allied in Pride goes from having a solid 6-member voting block to zero, it’s understandable that they begin to panic.”

While the community as whole has yet to coalesce around a common position regarding the straight agenda’s influence in the Hatchet, GW student Adrian Szycowski shrugged when asked for comment. “I don’t see why people care. What does a person’s sexual orientation have to do with their writing ability? I mean, no, I don’t want them teaching my kids, that’s for sure. But writing a newspaper? There’s no harm in that.”

Allied in Pride says that, should French fail to act, it will release the names of the 6 straight Hatchet staff.

This is a fictional humor piece. It is in no way factual.